The common automobile is one of the must-haves of every evil mastermind, because of its unassuming appearance, because of the way it enables even a rather mentally deficient minion of yours to transport people and objects economically over large landmasses, because of the abundance of its motive fuel and most of its parts, and because of the way it can serve as a death-dealing device in a pinch. The wide variety of styles and options you can select from make it nearly a certainty that you can find something that fits the needs of you and your organization. Plus, its utterly commonplace appearance helps facilitate those times where you and your minions wish to fade into the background of society for a space.
- Preparing. Make a list of sights you definitely want to see, whether you are scouting out locations of interest or meeting with shady associates or whatever. Make camping or lodging reservations beforehand if you want to be guaranteed sleeping quarters other than the breakdown lane. Have your vehicle serviced before you leave to head off any potential problems, and clean refuse from the passenger compartment, including any residents that need to be evicted. Plan to bring tools, a spare tire, extra ammunition, and handcuffs with you on your trip.
- The test subjects. Set up rotation of qualified drivers to share the time at the helm and take steps to ensure their loyalty. On longer legs of the trip, drivers should take shifts of 1 to 4 hours, with frequent breaks to rest, refuel, and reassess the situation. To avoid potentially homicidal or suicidal tendencies, establish a code of behavior with regard to navigation, controlling the stereo and other electronics, and adjusting the settings for the internal habitat and stick to it. Regardless of how high the conflict levels rise, do not allow stresses to jeopardize the overall mission by incapacitating or jettisoning any of the essential personnel.
- Beating fatigue. Take frequent breaks while driving during your road trip to avoid tiring while behind the wheel. Play your favorite evil sounds, nibble on some nutritious trip snacks, or engage in a mentally stimulating activity such as generating road kill to keep your mind engaged. Caffeine and other stimulants will only keep you awake and alert for so long. If you need to drive more than 600 miles — or 10 hours — per day, you may want to look into inducing wakefulness through artificial means, such as thumbscrews or time-stopping stratagems)).
- Recovery. Every journey comes to an end, unwilling as the mind and body may be to acknowledge that one has come to a stop. It may be helpful to replay the more vivid scenes from the trip before one’s mind’s eye, trusting in the repellence of the images to shock the system back to the non-travelling state.
Strokes of genius
- Town and country. You will find that there are many ways to get from Point A to Lair B. Choose a route for your road trip which is a pleasant drive. The bustle of attack helicopters can become overwhelming when you are simply wanting to get away, and a detour through busy urban sprawl, with its overpasses and tall structures, can paradoxically prove to be more relaxing than a ramble through rural meadows.
- Productivity. A long time out of the fortress can in fact enhance your ability to manage your enterprises if you have aid. For safety while the vehicle is in motion perform the following activities only as a passenger, not a driver:
- Handling telephone, text, and telepathic messages
- Operate portable productivity devices
- Cleaning and maintenance of sidearms
- Reviewing and approving routine paperwork
- Domination/submission roles
- Lycanthropic transformation
- Watching expenses. Frequently you will find the filling stations along major roads charging inflated prices relative to those just off the thoroughfare. Feel free to give them what they deserve as befitting your personal style. If you or your traveling companions have larcenous skills, you may benefit from exercising these at rest areas and parking lots, but once again do not permit the overall mission to be affected adversely.
Traps for mere fools
- An unwanted tail. A vehicle which turns when you turn, seldom straying far from sight, keeping up with your when you accelerate and dropping back when you stop may be tasked with keeping an eye on you or even intercepting your operation. In the city, try signalling one way then suddenly turning the other, running through lights, or directing a psychic blast through the rear window. In open country, your best bet may be to try switching your vehicle for another under cover of night or impared visibility (preferably by prearrangement). Do not return to your compound or secret safe house and do not abandon your vehicle unless all other options are exhausted.
- Speedtraps. And roadblocks.
- Hoboes, hitchhikers, and floozies. Unless you are traveling to a past era where these are no longer out of place, they are generally a ruse to infiltrate or victimize the unwary.
- Giant bedbugs.
- Highway hypnotists.
Precious and needful
- Maps. The folding kind, the digital kind, or the ghostly kind.
- Road flares.
- Messy snacks.
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- Image credit California road by Wolfgang Staudt
- Image credit Sacramento Airport 2007 (1) by Inkyhack
- Image credit Bates Motel by Ben Scicluna