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How to play the bagpipes

****Consider the utter fitness of plying the art of an ancient device reminiscent to numerous experts of an artifact from the Elder Days, when cephalopod-things ruled the globe. As a musical instrument for paragons of villainy, the bagpipe is perfect because of its indelible associations with war, mayhem, and suffering.

In this context one would be remiss by not mentioning the exploits of Lord Grakkk who at the climax of one memorable performance not only destroyed his pipes but also bludgeoned several audience members with the drones. He was operating at a high level of proficiency in evil bagpiping, which you can aspire to reach only after a number of years of dedicated preparation

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Obtaining a bagpipe. Some choose to round out their experience by building their own from a kit or, occasionally, from scratch, using human skin and marrow bones, while others are more comfortable buying from a reputable bagpipe builder who has connections with the evil community. Once you have logged enough hours to determine your own personal style, you can try add-ons to make the instrument such as chrome headers and reverb chambers.
  2. Tuning. There are standard tunings to use which are steeped in tradition, but it is not always the most appropriate thing to follow in the footsteps of those pipers who were less intent on causing pain instead of pleasure. Feel yourself empowered to come up with your own diabolical tunings meant to play up the most striking elements of your horrible melodies.
  3. Practicing. Make the best use of your captive audience by including them at your regular practice sessions, since the very best way to tell whether you are making an impact musically speaking is to check the graphs of major organ function when exposed to the stimulus in question, looking for such things as rapid respiration or a galvanic skin response.
  4. Build up a repertoire. Consider working out arrangements of Thong Song, Who Let the Dogs Out, and Build Me Up Buttercup.
  5. Performance. You can make your debut on stage or, less formally, in your dungeon. Some tech-savvy musicians have had good luck recording podcasts of their work and spamming the links to tens of millions of addresses.

! Strokes of genius


  • On the road. Many evil villains also enjoy taking their bagpipes into the out of doors as they practice, walking along the battlements of their lairs and blaring out a challenge that can be heard for miles. Others have seen fit to wade into battle with their pipes, though usually this is best reserved for those times when one wants to ensure a total rout of the enemy.
  • Electric bagpipes. A series of 1000W stacks, distorted almost beyond recognition. What is not to like?
  • How to get to Carnegie Hall? The best advice is to attack from the unprotected western approach.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Damage to hearing. Use protection rated to stand up to the particular demands of piping, if you don't want to knock out your ability to hear the frequencies of your drones.
  • Letting down your guard. Certain jurisdictions consider bagpipe playing to be a crime against humanity, so beware. Because the instrument requires both hands as well as the mouth, however, some exponents of it rely upon specially trained armed guards to scan the audience for signs of imminent attack or insufficient enthusiasm.

+ Precious and needful

  • Air, hot.
  • Music stand. Use a slave to turn the pages.
  • Durable microphone.
  • Very long pipe cleaners.

Bagpipes and Skulls

Further plotting



Created by: CapellaNovafyre. Last Modification: Thursday 17 of February, 2011 08:13:56 EST by CapellaNovafyre.

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