The stereotypical images associated with insane cosmic entities is one where lots of very large objects blow up. These images obscure the superiority and neatness of being able to cause the entire cosmos to fall in upon itself. Instead of having the final battlefield spread over vast intergalactic distances, everything is tied up in an elegant lump, an infinitely dense singularity encompassing all that has ever existed everywhere. The insane supervillain willing to look beyond the thrills of big flashy explosions will be richly rewarded for the investment in time and in space needed to reverse the outward flight of space-time itself and impose a sudden violent crush to everything.
Lesser supervillains rarely consider schemes as all-encompassing as the extinction of matter and energy everywhere in the universe. Only the sharpest knives in the drawer need apply for this mission! But if you are of a mind to entertain such thoughts and bring them to a serious threat level, you may well find that your personal stature will experience a huge boost even if the ultimate outcome you seek remains elusive.
- Mapping. Obtain a detailed four-dimensional map of the entire set of superclusters and quasars, the background radiation and the voids, including the non-luminous dark matter and the velocity distributions of all there is. You will be using this map to plan your implosion in the most efficient and safe manner.
- Omnipresence. All universal implosion schemes require that you exert your malign influence not only locally but also upon the most distant parts of the universe, so that you are not left with only a partially imploded outcome. If you happen to be a noncorporeal entity existing below the level of spacetime as we know it, you may be in a perfect situation to effect this. Causality requires that you reach not only out in space but backward in time, so be careful to involve some expert help in relativity to help you plan this. We suggest a grand sort of of quantum entanglement scheme to ensnare all of everything near and far under your grasp, or if this is not practical, some equally impressive-sounding bit of technobabble to move things along.
- Turn on the massive suck. This represents the heavy lifting part of your diabolical plan in which you convert that universal outward flow into an inward freefall centered on yourself. If you simply stop the expansion of the universe everywhere, in time it will start to collapse in on itself in a matter of many, many billions of years under the influence of its own gravity. If you do not want to wait that long, you can try reversing the current velocity vectors of the various parts of the universe, bringing the total time to explosion to something closer to fifteen billions of years. This will be a rather violent process, especially on the distant parts of the universe which finds itself being accelerated backward from nearly the speed of light away to nearly the speed of light towards yourself, and you may need to explain to any entities who are around just what is going on.
- Make your getaway, or not. Depending on your intentions and your personal situation, this may be the time to lay the groundwork for your own exit strategy. If you do not mind being caught in the stampede, however, or expect to be passing away beforehand, you can skip this step. If however you are expecting to escape the implosion into an alternate reality or into some kind of virtuality that will survive the crunch, you can make use of the time before everything comes crashing in to prepare your little escape pod properly and safely.
- Blaze of glory. If you are standing somewhere where you can get a good view of the implosion, you will be likely to want to record it to enjoy later at your leisure. The best is if you can make high-resolution recordings at all possible frequencies of radiation, just in case you want to zoom in on the x-ray range perhaps. Remember that this is likely a one-time photo op, so do not be seduced by false economies in this area.
Strokes of genius
- Turn off the heat. One way to get the universe to collapse just a little bit quicker is to quell all nuclear reactions everywhere, thus reducing the outward radiation pressure. You could also drop the ambient temperature of the background radiation left over from the primordial Big Bang and perhaps the vibrations in the molecules and atoms making up the universe just in order to gain a bit more of an edge. If you go this route, however, keep in mind that the majority of sentient biota rely upon a habitat where the temperature is above absolute zero, so your triumphant crash at the end of time will be witnessed by only a scant few, lessening the suspense factor greatly.
- Symmetry. If one part of the universe start to get ahead of the others, the implosion may sag to one side. Most would regard this lopsided cosmic egg to be a flaw, but you may wish to bring this kind of thing about for your own twisted reasons, such as aesthetics. Consider whether you would like the cosmic singularity to be shaped in your own likeness, for instance, or whether it ought to take on the form of your logo or something. This may indeed be something you would instead want to trumpet in your manifesto.
- Making way for your new property. If you are imploding the universe to make way for a second new creation of your own, you can either incorporate the cosmic singularity which is all that is left of our cosmos into your own work, or you can dispose of it and fashion your new universe out of the nothingness which is left behind. In the former case, etiquette dictates that your derived work include an acknowledgement of the original somewhere where sufficiently advanced civilizations can detect it.
Traps for mere fools
- Divine or other retribution. Your actions run the risk of being noticed by some equally colossally powerful entity who for their own reasons does not wish to have the universe imploded, and will take measures to stop you. Up to the time when everything has been committed (the motion has been turned right around), the easiest thing will be for them to take you out, probably with an alliance of forces which you must defend against in the usual fashion without derailing your greater mission. After the point of no return, you can relax a little as they will instead have to re-inflate the whole shebang to keep it from imploding on its own, which, as you know, will be quite a bit harder, and from your point of view, amusing to watch. Dedicate a portion of your bodyguard to be on the lookout for this kind of counter-action and if you have performed your own role well, you can enjoy the spectacle which will be unparalleled.
- Impatience. Turning around something as massive as the big everything is a big task, to say the least, and there are no easy and pain-free shortcuts. If in your heart you know you need something that needs to come off quicker, perhaps you might decide along with many other indecent villains that cosmic implosion is a caper that is not for you.
- Flipping G. You may be tempted to take shortcuts in your implosion quest, such as the one involving changing the sign of the universal gravitational constant. Be advised that in most cases, this may make the situation worse relative to your desired outcome.. The gravitational pull of every part of the cosmos is working in your favor. Counteract the current expansion and rein in the superclusters, like calling pigs.
- Claustrophobia. If you are personally troubled by the sense of walls closing in on you, to the point that this clouds your ability to perform, you need to set things up so that the trick runs itself without your active cooperation once it has gone past its failsafe point. Then you can enjoy the feeling of self-immolation along with the quadrillions of other sentients, with the added feature that in your own case it may be considered expiation for your guilt in bringing this whole thing about.
Precious and needful
- Hard hats.
- Umbrella insurance policy.
- Oxygen mask.
- Festive noisemakers.
- Countdown timer.
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- Image credit Implosion by nicolash
- Image credit Baby Snot Sucking Apparatus - NEW by Steve Leggat
- Image credit Shoot the Moon by jurvetson